An Ayahuasca experience
Ayahuasca is known to be a very powerful plant medicine, and the stories you may have heard about it can be intimidating to say the least. I, myself, had first heard of ayahuasca about 10 years ago and wondered why anyone would put themselves through such an extreme experience. They say “you get the undeniable calling when you’re ready to meet her [Mother Ayahuasca]” and I don’t weight my words lightly when I say that I woke up one day knowing this was what I needed to pursue.
It all started when a sudden and unexplainable urge to look up Ayahuasca retreats took over me. I started frantically looking up centers and within a couple of searches, my retreat, and ticket to Peru were booked and paid for. I was determined more than ever to make this a reality, and, for once in my life, didn’t feel the need to get reassurance or confirmation from my loved ones about this decision.
My intentions with this plant medicine were to deal with insecurities, childhood trauma and above all to free myself of an omnipresent feeling of dissatisfaction when it came to my relationships. I had dealt with jealousy in my love life for as long as I had dated, and often felt as the people in my life were never able to match the amount of love I had for them, leaving me disappointed and hurt. I was repeatedly told I needed to learn to love myself, let go of expectations and separate love from control. Although all these ideas sounded heavenly to me, they were nearly impossible to reach. After trying out therapy, weekly workshops, hypnotherapy and reading every self-development book I could lay my hands on, my, now fearless, curiosity had its eyes on her [Mother Ayahuasca].
Moments of uncertainty often came over me prior to my departure. Did I really need to go all the way to Peru to confront my deepest fears? Was putting myself through a complete out of body experience really what I needed to heal? Was this all necessary? And was I making myself an easy target by traveling to the Amazon alone? I won’t lie and say I was not scared… I was mortified but so ready at the same time! My gut feeling was telling me it would be an amazing experience, and for once I decided to trust myself.
I traveled to Peru, and discovered the beauty of the Amazon Rainforest. Shortly upon arrival, I was welcomed by the retreat facilitators and settled into what would be my room for the rest of the retreat. That same day, a meeting was held to go over the way these 4 ceremonies would be orchestrated.
It was straightforward:
· No dinner on the ceremony days. Limit your breakfast and lunch portions on those days,
· Ceremony starts at 7PM in the Maloka (principal cabana),
· Grab a mat prior to the ceremony (bucket and toilet paper placed in front of each mat for purging),
· No talking or touching during the ceremony,
· Men seat on the left side, women on the right,
· Knock three times on the floor if you need help to go to the bathroom,
· Shamans also drink the plant medicine with all of us and come around to sing Icaros to each one of us. Pay your respect and try to sit up when a shaman is singing in front of you, even if it is difficult.
· Ceremony officially closes at 1AM (+/- 30 min),
· No one is allowed to go back to their cabana after the ceremony ends, everyone must sleep in the Maloka the rest of the night.
CEREMONY 1: My First Encounter with Madre Ayahuasca
Strangely, I walked into the first ceremony feeling extremely confident and at ease. After months of apprehension, I had envisioned every possible outcome and was ready to just get in the passenger seat. I got my mat, drank the plant medicine and waited. After approximately 30 min, the shaman started singing the Icaros(healing songs) and many people in the maloka started reacting to the plant medicine. As time went by, the medicine started taking effect progressively amongst all of us. Some were crying, other were giggling, and some were straight up purging incessantly. As others’ reactions started to rise up in intensity, I was dreading my upcoming reaction… My stomach was aching, and I felt quite nauseous but nothing was happening. As I waited, I started noticing that the tiny candle in the middle of the maloka was moving up and down, and left and right. All of a sudden that tiny light took the shape of an Inca warrior sculpture. It was moving as if it was dancing in front of me, and I couldn’t help but smile and giggle. Some patterns started drawing themselves in front of me, and the entire maloka was covered in neon dots that were moving to the rhythm of the songs being sang by the shamans, the Icaros. It was energy. I could see it right in front of my eyes, and it was quite insane to be able to see it so clearly. I felt as if I was in a fiction movie. I couldn’t help but smile, the movements of the figures increased in speed and intensity as the sounds in the maloka got louder. In moments where we found ourselves in a rare silence, all the figures disappeared… My imagination was running wild in visuals and I let it take me for a ride. I had prepped myself to remain an observer during this experience, and here I was just seating back and watching the show quietly. I suddenly saw a cat in the corner of a house roof. That corner had a tiny bed, and a tiny desk as if a miniature home was built for this cat. I then heard a nurturing voice say: “Look carefully after that cat”. I was quite confused by this thought and asked myself why I was told such words. Then the voice repeated: “Do not forget. Look after that cat.” I was puzzled but remained still. Shortly after, I realized that cat was no one but my best friend, we nicknamed him “gatito pelirojo”, the red cat in Spanish. This person had always been there for me in times of happiness and sorrow and I always felt immense gratitude towards him. As these realizations came upon me, I started tearing up. The power of this plant finally registered. It gave you what the order prescribed, and did not beat around the bush. Visions continued to appear, and I suddenly found myself in the deepest layer of my soul, a place that was somehow dedicated to my dad. I am still unsure how I came to know this was my dad’s place in my soul, but I somehow knew. This place seemed abandoned, and was illuminated by heart shaped neon lights that seemed to be dying out. This was telling me that the love for my dad was slowly shutting down the same way that these lights were. It made me reflect on the amount of love my dad received and felt from all of his children. My dad was made an easy target by a majority of people. Married multiple times, children from a couple love affairs, and a certain taste for fine things in life, he did not quite meet all the criteria of the perfect father figure. He was no perfect man, but to me he was my “papa” and I had always had unconditional love and compassion for him. I forgave him for his mistakes and recognized how hard he tried to provide for those around him, even when helping was made difficult. I had a duty to keep his neon hearts alive and ensuring he feels loved was a responsibility that I owned but failed to act on. My heart sank upon this realization and in that moment, I knew that loving him was not enough. Tears poured down my face. I ought it to him to stand up for him in front of my siblings, my mother and anyone daring to criticize him. Love is not just an emotion, it’s a decision. Love without action, is just a feeling we keep to ourselves. That first ceremony brought me to people dear to my heart that deserved my expression of love. Although the love was there, the action to back it up was not and that night Madre was there to put me in check.
My intention that night was to dive into my relationships with my twin sister and my boyfriend but as I saw their representations in my visions, I was not able to get deeper. I assumed this first night was just an introduction to this powerful medicine and I would get more opportunities to explore further during the next ceremonies. My visions started slowly fading away as I allowed myself to fall asleep.
Although I did experience slight nausea and stomach pain that night, I did not vomit or need to use the bathroom.
CEREMONY 2: Being Swallowed by the Amazon Rainforest
Walked into the second ceremony feeling even more confident than I did before entering the first one. As I did not vomit on the first one, I felt confident that this second ceremony would go smoothly. I drank my brew and waited. I suddenly started feeling extremely nauseous, and everything around me started turning into a spiritual like jungle. Patterns of plants and animals started drawing themselves around me. As I looked down, tree branches wrapped themselves around my legs, and plants and leaves started growing on me. Suddenly a big roach crawled up my arm, and as I flicked it, I then found another one on my other arm. I suddenly felt as if I was covered in bugs and had no other option but to surrender. I closed my eyes wanting to cry although at that point I knew that nothing could help, not even myself. I let go and accepted that nature and I had become one. As the shaman started singing in front of me, I went into an indescribable trance, which was followed by excessive purging. All I could think in that moment was that I wanted it to end and yet time did not exist where I was…Pacha Mama was showing me her power, she was strong and she was in control. I was one with her, and together we had no option but to go through the motions.
CEREMONY 3: Ego Death followed by Ancient Wisdom
Although the previous ceremony was much more challenging than the first, I still came into the ceremony feeling pretty serene. I drank the brew and before I knew it, my visions started appearing aggressively. This was an intensified and accelerated version of anything I had experienced during my previous ceremonies. I closed my eyes to try to make sense of what I was even feeling and started seeing jungle life surrounding me. A jaguar appeared on my left side, as if it was walking towards me with a bright beaming light coming out of his eyes. On the right side, several pairs of feline eyes and owl eyes appeared and dissolved. Images were moving so fast and my heart beat was racing. Things were moving too fast and I had absolutely no control. I was caught in a tornado of emotions and visuals and it was the most intense phenomena I had ever witnessed. As I tried to cool myself down and pace my breath, my visions started slowing down, my heart rate slowly decreased, and my visions got smaller and smaller in size…right there, I was leaving my body. A hand was placed on my chest and I heard “Shhhhh”. In that moment, that hand which was actually my own, was no longer mine. I had left my body and all my senses behind. They call it “ego death”. My mind was rushing although it was freely moving and held in no form. I entered this other dimension within infinite dimensions, where time or space did not exist. It felt as if I was never coming back, although I was within infinite numbers of spaces at the same time. Everything I knew about life no longer had a meaning. I couldn’t even comprehend the extent to which my consciousness had gone. It was frightening and beautiful at the same time. I was not sure if I would ever come back, or if I would ever be the same person if I did and that was somewhat frightening. My thoughts kept getting stuck in a loop where memory was being lost each moment, and I couldn’t remember what I had thought the second before. Time was inexistent. I didn’t know what to expect next, if anything at all. It felt like I was there forever although as time actually went by, I slowly regained consciousness of my body, starting at the tips of my fingers and feet where my senses progressively reached the center of my body. As I came back to my body, an immense amount of gratitude, love and euphoria came upon me. I cried. A lot. For everything I had ever had in my life. All the things I took for granted. My beloved boyfriend, who’s unconditional love never seemed to be enough for me. All the preconceived notions of what my relationship should be like were vanished. All the expectations imposed by my family, friends and general opinion, were thrown out of the window. In that moment, only one thing mattered, it was the love that I knew was there. That’s all I ever would need to be happy on this earth or in any other dimension. I envisioned my boyfriend’s love as a powerful pink gem laying on my chest, like a magic crystal. A gem that lit up when laid on me as it was giving me power, and strength. A gem that made me whole and alive. She [Mother Ayahuasca] told me this gem was making me stronger. It was pushing limits I didn’t even know existed and it was true. I had pushed myself to go above and beyond what I knew for this relationship. Learning to be a considerate partner and to calm down whenever my insecurities got the best of me. This relationship was the hardest thing I had ever done, but it was also the hardest thing I ever tried to do. Yet I knew, that as long as I kept trying and knew the love to be there, that gem would continue to light me up.
“Ego death” was by far the most challenging experience I have ever lived. The following day was extremely challenging. I couldn’t make peace of the real world and its limitations. I felt so vulnerable, stripped down from all the layers that my parents worked so hard to build and nurture, making me this tough woman I was supposed to be. I had never felt so open or so free of expectations from the world and from myself. On that day, I cried a lot. My emotions were pouring out of me and nothing was there to hold them in. I had no container, and although I felt a lot, I also found so much clarity. It was a lot to handle at once and this experience left me unsure I could walk into a final ceremony.
CEREMONY 4: Spiritual Jungle and its lessons
After further thoughts and discussions with the retreat facilitators, I decided I would follow through the entire process and do a 4th ceremony. I walked into the ceremony feeling extremely anxious and hoped that this last one would be gentler on me.
The medicine started taking its effects and before I even knew it, I was back in the jungle spiritual world. I started seeing the energies around the room and felt as if I was home. A home that felt so familiar, yet so foreign. As the shaman sat in front of me to sing Icaros, I immediately started purging. Unbelievable noises were coming out of my mouth as if I was undergoing some kind of exorcism. These sounds were frightening, to say the least, but I knew I was being cleared of negative energy. As I was purging, I felt as if a wave of small bugs was coming out of my mouth. Control was out of reach and once more, I had to surrender and let go. During that time, spheres of energies were surrounding me, and each person around me possessed different colors of energies. I, for example, was able to see one of our facilitator’s pink sphere of energy grounding others. Mine was always green, just like all my visions during my entire journey with Madre.
As I regained a state of pure bliss, I asked her [Mother Ayahuasca] about my sister. My sister and I had been fighting a lot that year, and I aimed to do my best at working on this relationship. Her words to me were the following: “Treat her like a child. Give her love and no social responsibilities. Think of her as a young animal.” A young black baby jaguar appeared, as it was trying to play with me. She then said” She just wants to play. Learn how to play with her, instead of shutting her down.” As I heard these words, a wave of emotions took over me and I poured into tears. Madre was right. My sister had always shown more flexibility in her seriousness and everything in life was easy come and easy go. I, on the other hand, was much more sensitive and would easily get upset. I would often be quick to call her careless of my emotions when in reality I anxiously overanalyzed her actions. She was playful and lived life the way she wanted, without worry. I had failed at recognizing the beauty of her power and my incomprehension would demonize her way of life. These words and that jaguar beautifully and so simply helped me understand that. Ancient wisdom coming straight from Madre herself.
I then thought about all my dear and close friends and the role and responsibility they have taken in my life. The protectors, the guardians, the entertainers, all of them sharing their loves in such a beautiful way within their uniqueness. I, once more, felt tremendous gratitude for the world we live in and for the power and strength of nature.
Overall, Mother Ayahuasca taught me to take a step back. She taught me to see through a different lens, one I didn’t even know existed. She also taught me the power of energy, how to cultivate it, cherish it, and share it with the rest of the world. She taught me that love is ultimately what we need to nurture and remember that it lies within all of us, and that ego is only a misconception that clouds our true love for one another. She also taught me that nature and I are one, that I should not be afraid of it because it will be there to protect me. No matter what I go through alone, I am in fact one with nature and therefore never on my own.
The spiritual journey is not for cowards — it’s for warriors. Why? Because some part of you must die in order to fulfill your destiny and merge closer to Spirit… we all must give something up. Maybe it’s fear; maybe it’s greed; maybe it’s anger, or fear of the unknown, or fear of being criticized. You must find what’s holding you back and deal with it. Be bold; be determined; be patient; be a warrior. A world of new possibilities awaits you. (James Weeks)
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